Some years ago, I bought a complete set of issues of 1980s super detective Dakota North, for a penny each at the Raleigh, NC Goodwill. Every few years, I cull my comics and almost throw them out, but they manage to cling to shelf space. In fact, I just bought a few extra copies (for 10 whole cents each!) to lend to people. It sucks that Marvel Comics only published five issues of Dakota North.

It’s common for fanboys to look down up on Dakota for being too Charlie’s Angels-ish, as one site puts it. The series wasn’t very noir, it’s true. The art was cartoony, the characters a bit wacky and the dialogue often kind of punchy. But not all comics have to be Sin City. As created by writer Martha Thomases, Dakota North is a kind of badass detective for the fashion industry, who gets sucked into the messes of her father, a retired spy.

The ongoing storyline, which never wrapped up in print, is pretty wacky. Dakota’s dad wants her to protect his friend George Cooper, a fellow ex-spy who’s smuggling a sample of a new nerve gas. Cooper slips the nerve-gas sample to Dakota’s kid brother Ricky, who thinks he’s much cooler than he is. There are about ten zillion subplots, including lots of unrequited passions between various characters. It’s all written in a breezy, glip patter and drawn in a cartoony style that looks like a mash-up between Ditko and Parobeck.

In issue #2, an assassin named Timas wants to stop Dakota from taking on the Cooper case, but he also has the hots for her. So he shoots a crossbow at her as a warning:

Then he approaches her at a fancy restaurant/club and asks her to dance while her dad is trying to bully her into protecting Cooper. Then he tries to put his moves on her on the dance floor:

It only takes her about 30 seconds to figure out that he’s the one who shot the crossbow at her. So she decides to take the Cooper case even though it’s what her annoying Hemingway-esque dad wants her to do.

That Timas, he’s such a smoothie. I had hair exactly like that in 1986, but I’m afraid it looked better on Timas than it did on me. Meanwhile, Cooper “loses” at poker and gives Ricky his antique pen full of nerve gas to cover his losses. And there’s some Apartment 3G-esque subplot action involving a girl with glasses who’s in love with the handsome artist she works for, but he’s too busy making eyes at the evil supermodel Cleo Vanderlip. We know Cleo is evil because she sends another supermodel, the 16-year-old Daisy Kane, to seduce Ricky and get the nerve-gas pen away from him. “You have a successful modeling career and now this,” Cleo tells Daisy. “I didn’t have my first younger man until I was twenty.” Daisy replies with no expression whatsoever: “So you’ve told me, Miss Vanderlip.”

Oh yeah, so Timas, rocking his cool hairstyle, jumps Dakota with a knife while his goons attack Cooper.

I love her dialogue here: “What is it with all this kissing? Am I supposed to like it? Does anyone? Get off me!” She quickly persuades him, although we can’t quite see how she does it. He runs off, still clutching his knife: “Alas, then, farewell.”

Meanwhile, Cleo Vanderlip taunts the young artist assistant girl for daring to dream of a future with hot artist guy: “You can be so pathetic, little Anna. Do you truly believe you can attract more than his professional interest? The way you look?” Little Anna has giant glasses and a huge baggy sweater, but otherwise looks just like a Barbie doll. It’s all very Devil Wears Prada, and it’s too bad Anna’s storyline never goes anywhere. And meanwhile, Daisy has talked Ricky into going to Paris with her, and there’s a cop who’s in love with Dakota. For some reason, Dakota’s office manager, who’s named “Mad Dog” because he never combs his hair, keeps encouraging the cop to hit on his boss.

And then Timas decides it’s no more Mr. Kissy Face:

“Yeah! The old human waffle trick!” I’m willing to lay any odds that Frank Miller would never have come up with a line like that. There follows a breathtaking chase scene where Timas tries to crush Dakota with his monster truck. (See the cover image, above, for a sample.) Dakota drives like a maniac, all the while explaining how much she loves Christmas trees. Sound effects include: KWUMP! B-BLUMP! and B BLAM! At the end of it, Timas isn’t going to be dancing with anyone any time again soon:

He’s got cool hair. And a monster truck. And she still lays him out.

The next time we see Timas, he’s laying in a hospital bed, covered with bandages and casts except for his seething blue eyes. He pretty much only has two settings: smooch and seethe. In his best Ricardo Montalban rasp, he says: “Our involvement with Cooper condemns us both, Dakota North. If we cannot share this life, we will share what follows.”

OK, so Dakota North isn’t Watchmen. But it’s a really fun read with engaging characters and tangly plots. Either you like dialogue like “That wasn’t as bad as your pushy kissing number,” or you don’t. Still, if you were looking for a kid-friendly non-manga comic with a strong female protagonist, I think you could do a lot worse. It’s also a pretty great antidote to the steady stream of “bad girls” and Frank Miller-ish noiry strippers-with-guns. It’s too bad that Marvel pulled the plug so quickly, but the existing issues seem to turn up a lot in the cheap bins. (Supposedly the lack of X-men crossovers doomed the book.)

Since creating Dakota, Martha Thomases hasn’t done much, if any, writing. She went on to be publicity director for DC Comics. (And here she is defending Frank Miller as a great artist in line with Vonnegut.) Most recently, she’s signed on as publicist for Ted Rall’s next book.

Dakota has lived on, but I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing. She’s had guest stints in Power Pack, Amazing Spiderman, Black Panther and most recently Daredevil. With each appearance, she’s become more and more like every other generic tough female detective. Fanboys have exulted that at last she’s being “taken seriously,” meaning that she’s lost her sense of humor. I haven’t read her Daredevil appearances, but I’m sure they were well written and bore almost no resemblance to her roots. Rumor has it a new Dakota North miniseries is in the works, to be written by CB Cebulski. I’m sure he’s a great writer (I haven’t read any of his work) but I doubt I’ll be picking it up.