Not Harmless
I once went to Australia to speak at a conference. (This is in a previous life, when I jetted all over the place talking about independent media.)
The organizers put me in the same room as comic-book artist Madison Clell, who is now a good friend. At this time, however, she was a complete stranger. Apparently they thought “Madison” was a guy and didn’t think much of sticking us in beds a few feet apart.
“Should we get a new room for you?” our female handler asked Madison.
Madison and I had met only an hour before. She looked me over with a cool and penetrating gaze. Then she turned back to our handler.
“Nah,” she said with a smile. “He’s harmless.”
Harmless…Madison meant that she didn’t think I would, er, take advantage of the situation, and I suppose her remark could be taken as a compliment.
But, of course, no guy wants to be told he’s “harmless.” Instead, in our beastly heart of hearts, we all want to be James Bond… you know, sexy and dangerous. Tempting to the ladies. Good with flying cars and machine guns disguised as umbrellas.
Not…harmless.
I thought of this incident when I received my contributor’s copy of the new anthology, Men Speak Out: Views on Gender, Sex, and Power, edited by Shira Tarrant. I would be blogging about this anthology even if I weren’t a contributor. Consisting of essays by pro-feminist guys on many dimensions of the male experience—I wrote about fatherhood—Men Speak Out is unique in covering issues near and dear to my (otherwise quite beastly) heart.
I felt a little flutter of anxiety as I opened the covers. You see, I have a special angst about antisexist, pro-feminist writing by guys. I worry about the possibility it could be deemed “harmless”—that is to say, bland, pious, wimpy. I want male pro-feminist writing to be muscular, confrontational, and courageous—not in a flashy superficial sense, but in a way that shows the writer has really dived into the heart of his own experience.
I can’t stand antisexist writing in which the writer portrays himself as a hero in the struggle against a sexist world—I want to see the writer lose as well as win, because that’s what’s going to happen when you pit yourself against centuries of traditions that live on inside of you as well as outside. I don’t want to see the antisexist guy frame it as someone else’s struggle—I want to hear about his struggle, with himself as well as both men and women.
I don’t want the antisexist guy to reflexively agree with everything a woman and “feminism” says. I want to see him battle for understanding and stand up for his own ideas and tell the truth about his life. The purpose of antisexist male writing is not to curry favor with feminists. Its purpose to hold up a mirror to individual men and ask them to change their lives–and better yet, show them how to change their lives, and to be proud of progress when it happens.
I am relieved to report that most of the essays in Men Speak Out do that, and much more besides. The best essays helped me to see my own experience and ideas in a new light, and that’s the most you can ask writing to do. You can buy it here.
Thank you. That is, for me, a very positive review, and I’m on my way to score a copy right now.
I will tell you up front, I am not interested in your book. I think it unlikely that a book can be both “antisexist” and “feminist”. How can you apply the term “antisexist” to feminism when so much of it is sexist? I read a fair bit by male feminists and such, a while back, holding up mirrors to show their fellow men (never themselves, interestingly) their faults.
I used to support feminist causes. I don’t, nowadays, mainly because I don’t see that feminists need much support, and I see some issues with men. The feminists who told me about how equality is so important to them are working hard to make sure men don’t get any help with those issues. Some folks consider those issues important, myself among them.
If you intend to hold up a mirror to men’s lives, why not show them some truths? Why not tell them about how 77% of all homicide victims are men, but that VAWA in the US, for example, is all about violence against women? (If you think VAWA is gender-neutral, try getting some help from VAWA resources for men.) Why not point out that 80% of all “successful” suicide victims are men and boys, but that no one really cares? Why not point out that in most developed countries, men live 6-8 years less than women on average? Why not mention that in the US, where divorces are No Fault and father and mother are allegedly “equal”, in more than 85% of all contested custody cases, Mother gets the custody she wants? (This despite the fact that father is often as good a parent, or a better parent, than mother.) Why not point out that men serve 30% longer sentences, on average, for the exact same crime, than women? Why not show men how they are turning away from long term relationships with women because, frankly, it’s just not worth it? (It’s funny to hear women, who initiate more than 70% of divorces in the US, calling men “commitment-phobes”. I guess the women don’t see the humor, though.)
That’s just a skim off the top. Check it out for yourself. I would. I have. That’s why your mirror doesn’t interest me, while my brothers and their sons (and my own, and my own!) are at risk, are dying, are struggling, are becoming so terribly, terribly numb. I did my time trying to help women, now others (with a bit of help from me) are working on getting that equality that feminists claim to so badly want, that “equality” they can’t be bothered to help others reach.
In developed nations, women have problems, but those problems are few and are being addressed. Men and boys have problems too. In most cases, most people don’t see those problems, because they have always been there, or women’s problems are more important, or they don’t want to see, or they don’t want to seem “anti-feminist”, or whatever the excuse du jour might be. It doesn’t really matter. We’ll get there, and hopefully, without treating anyone else as disposable.
With luck, your book will do well. Hopefully, a few decades from now people will remark on the grace, style and wit of your writings. Maybe you will even be considered relevant. That would be nice, and I do hope it for you. But frankly, from my point of view and the point of view of the men and boys I am talking about, (the great majority of men and boys) – you are, frankly, harmless.
Dude, you’re projecting.
Wow, dude. Those are all your issues, not anybody else’s.
The fact that you were able to just stop supporting women’s rights–without losing any of your own–should have told you all you need to know about why feminism is still so necessary.
If you’re capable of reading a longish article through your red haze of rage, try this one, it’ll help:.
Thank you for your site ;-)
I made with photoshop backgrounds for myspace or youtube and ect..
my backgrounds:http://tinyurl.com/5fmh8q
Hope you had a good day and thank you again!
:) зря вы так – мне лично нравится