We just saw Ghost Rider, and it was possibly the MOST AWESOME movie in the history of cinema. Everything from Dr. Caligari’s Cabinet up to Pan’s Labyrinth has been leading up to this one cinematic achievement. The narrative arc! The pathos! The introspection! The flaming appendages!

So afterwards Annalee and I were trying to figure out: what made Ghost Rider such an instant classic and Catwoman such total drek. They both shared so many elements:

• a loopy, illogical plot involving nebulous fantasy elements
• an “A list” actor slumming in a “B list” superhero role
• hero must choose between vacant love interest and superhero career
• dialogue that you want to get tattooed on the scriptwriter’s ass as punishment for writing it

And yet — Ghost Rider will make you feel as though you are living in the greatest era in human culture. Catwoman will make you feel as though you have stuffed live ants under your eyelids and snorted rat poison. Why?! Why why why?

OK, I have a few theories. One is that Halle Berry just doesn’t know how to do that thing Nicolas Cage does, where he says lines like, “I feel so much better knowing I’m the devil’s bounty hunter,” with a mixture of total sincerity and total irony. He really believes he’s the devil’s bounty hunter. Whereas when Berry says things like “This is a Purrrrfect crime” or whatever, she sounds as though she’s just really trying to sell that line. She’s selling like a telemarketer who’s five hours behind on her quota and it’s culling day in cubicle-land. And to be fair, Halle Berry has been in art movies, whereas even Nic Cage’s good movies have been things like Adaptation and, I dunno, Face/Off.

Okay, crucial difference number two. In Catwoman, Sharon Stone wants to sell a face cream that makes your skin break out if you stop using it. In other words, she wants to sell regular face cream. In Ghost Rider, the no-name bad guy wants to, like, eat an army of evil souls who escaped from a Jonah Hex comic, and then he wants to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Sell face cream, or TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Which is more flame-tastic? Something to ponder.

But mostly, Ghost Rider is just a million times more fun. It has EVERYTHING. Hard-assed Hells Angels who get trashed? A formative tragedy involving motorcycles AND fatal illness? Peter Fonda’s enormous forehead? Helecopter wrangling? Cop cars breaking in half? In other words, it’s the perfect movie.

Oh, and Catwoman has a CGI ass. (Really.) But at one point in Ghost Rider, Nic Cage takes his shirt off, and his entire chest musculature is ALL CGI. His naked torso is  a special effect. DOOB.